Ask me when we’re getting married one more time.
1. “Aren’t you worried you’re missing out?”
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Sorry, having too much fun to care.
2. “I’d get so sick of being with the same person for a long time.”
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Cool. Don’t, then.
3. “Come on. You must wish you were single sometimes.”
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I’m wishing other things right now, actually.
4. “I’m too independent to be in a relationship.”
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I don’t think that word means what you think it means.
5. “Most animals aren’t monogamous, you know. It’s a social construct.”
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You know what else is a social construct? Ice cream.
6. “Do you do everything together?”
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Yes, in fact, our lungs can only breathe air if we’re within 10 feet of each other.
7. “How long have you been together?”
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If I had a dollar for every year we’ve been dating, I’d use it to buy a sign that says “Please stop asking us that question.”
8. “You’re soooooo lucky to not be dating right now.”
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9. “Dating is the worst.”
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10. “I hate dating.”
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11. “Have you ever broken up and gotten back together?”
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Would you also like to talk about every pet that died during my childhood?
12. “Do you ever fight?”
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Not ever. We are robots. We are programmed to never disagree.
13. “Who’s your one celebrity freebie?”
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My S.O. when he hits it big.
14. “You must fantasize about other people, though.”
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I fantasize about what I’d talk to my cat about if he could speak English. And sleeping inside a giant burrito.
15. “Do you get crushes?”
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Again, giant burritos.
16. “Do you ever run out of things to talk about?”
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Yes, but then we stare dreamily into each other’s eyes while reciting love sonnets.
17. “When are you two getting married?”
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Why do you need to know if you’re not going to be invited anyway?
18. “How long do you think you’ll be together?”
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Until it stops being awesome.