I just really genuinely don’t give a sh*t about any of them. Yeah, sure, I’ll pretend like I care if it means I get to drink outside,but would I ever just casually tune into ESPN? No, not even ifmy only other option was an episode of “Say ‘Yes’ to the Dress” that I’d already seen a million times over.
I know this sounds sexist and stereotypical, buthonestlyI pick “Say ‘Yes’ to the Dress” over ESPN every time. It’s not because I’m a girl, it’s because I’m ME.Most of my closest girl friends knowmore about sports than any random dude.But unfortunately, I do not possess this knowledge.
I’ll cheer along with everyone else at a game or a sports bar, but do I ever really know what I’m cheering for? No.
This is especially embarrassing when it comes to football. I went to a HUGE football high school. Our team was fantastic. We made it to the state championships my junior year, and I even flew all the way to LA to see them play, just as any good bandwagon fan would.
Then, when I decided to go to college at Santa Clara University, a school with no football team, I thought I would be done with this whole football thing. Turns out, Ithought wrong.
Even though we didn’t have afootball team of our own, it seemed as though every person and their mom passionately rooted foran NFL team. I spent Sundays hungoverby myself while everyone else continued the drinking and enthusiastically cheered on their home teams. Either that, orI would join in and pretend to care while mostly just trying to get drunk and beat my high score on Candy Crush.
My disinterest in sports isnever really a huge deal. UNTIL the one day of the year whenit seems to be totally unacceptable tobe clueless aboutfootball: the Super Bowl.
If you haven’t heard about it, the Super Bowl is kind of a big deal. When I was a kid, we would all gather at my family friend’s house and eat seven layer dips and BBQ and basically everything else delicious and heart-clogging that you can imagine (like, sign me the F*CK up) while we watched this oh-so-specialSuper Bowl.
I could keep myself entertained. The commercials were cool, and the halftime shows were always pretty entertaining (like, um, HELLO,throwback to when Justin Timberlake ripped off Janet Jackson’s dress).
But there was always thepoint at the end of the game, after one team won and one team lost (don’t ask me who or how), when the room split into people feeling extreme joy and people feeling extreme anguish.
I didn’t understand how this gamecouldhave so much power as toevoke real EMOTIONS from people who were miles and miles from where it was being played. And it always sort of bummed me out that I couldn’t understand the gameenough to let it affect me like it affected everyone else.
So this year, I have decided to try to learn enough about football that the results of theSuper Bowlwill actually matter to meme. Basically, I had to a ) figure out how the game worked, b) determinewho’s even playing this year and, c) get to the point where I could make a SOMEWHAT educated guess as to who to root for.
Yes, I realize that the game is this Sunday and, yes, I realize that this gives me, like, one day to figure it out and also care, but NOTHING WILL STOP ME.
Step 1: Understand the basic premise of the game.
Before I could really getintofootball, I had to understand how the game worked.
So I went to my friend, Charlotte,a huge football fan (don’t ask me for what team) whom I could trust to explainthe gameto me in words that I would understand. I literally texted her: “Can you please explain football to me in words I can actually understand.”