Ever since elementary school, Valentine’s Day has been one of our favorite holidays. You get a ton of free shit (candy hearts in 2nd grade and David Yurman by junior year) just for being pretty. It’s pretty fucking amazing. These days we get insta-worthy meals and drinks at some trendy, $$$$-Yelp-ranked restaurant, jewelry, flower bouquets (meh), gift cards, and bunch of other expensive shit from guys all hoping to have the distinct pleasure of being our “valentines,” whatever that means. But for those of us who are involved with a guy beyond the point of fuck buddy/occasional dinner companion, guys might expect something else in return. I don’t mean sex; that shit is going down regardless, especially if a bottle of pricey wine is in the mix. I mean an actual gift.
Now this may come a surprise to you. He’s already getting the joy of my presence, the stimulation of my conversation and unmatched wit, and the unforgettable, once-in-a-lifetime experience of my body…what else could he possibly want? Excellent question. But sometimes you just have to put out…financially. However, just because the gift is for him doesn’t mean it can’t be an even better gift for you. So here you have it, the betch’s guide to giving gifts that actually benefit you, not him.
1. Gender-neutral gift cards
This could range from Nordstrom to Lulu…basically anything you’d want. First and most importantly, do not write the amount on the card. Most likely he’ll want you to accompany him to the store to help him pick something out (duh, you paid for that shit), and when he does, guide him to items well below the gift card amount. He’ll have so much left over he’ll have no choice but to offer the remnants to you. Hello, shopping spree.
2. Concert tickets
Not for his favorite band, gross. If you happen to like the same music (very rare), then great for you, but if not, listen up. Act like you are super excited to surprise him with these tickets. When he looks less-than-enthused by your 4th row tickets to Beyoncé or even T-Swift, whip up your best tears and ask “You don’t like it?” He won’t be able to resist. And guess who’s gonna be buying drinks all night? He is. BOOM.
3. Incomplete Gifts
This one is bound to get results. Buy a groupon for a restaurant or outing that is out of town or requires additional expenses. A great example would be one-night stay at a hotel in New Orleans or somewhere you’ve always wanted to go that you got for only $79. The airfare, restaurants, additional nights and entertainment are up to him. It’s a win-win.
4. Sexual (or not so sexual) gifts
If you’re sexually liberated and into all that shit, go wild at your local sex shop and get some things that will benefit you in the bedroom. If you’re not so interested in getting off but more in getting him off you, get him a new Xbox…you won’t see him for like, 2 years.
5. Personal coupons
You’ll find a ton of this cutesy bullshit on Pinterest, but there’s a twist here. Don’t be too specific. When he tries to cash in on his “One Free Backrub”, let him know the back rub is for you, not him. Or, give the coupons a rapidly approaching expiration date. When he’s ready for his “Clothing-Optional Candlelit Dinner”, politely point out the fine print as you firmly zip up your North Face and tighten your oversized sweatpants.
Hopefully this Valentine’s Day you can keep your man satisfied with a seemingly thoughtful gift all while keeping you and your wallet happy. If all else fails, just get him a membership for the Wine of the Month Club. It’s the gift that just keeps giving…you more wine.