Welcome to Literally the Worst, an occasional column wherein I shit on all the shit that’s shitty. This week: Taylor Swift, the San Francisco Giants and Sex and the City. Do you think we might hate the same things? Hit me up at firstname.lastname@example.org
I mostly just put this here to see how many people would read the headline and then immediately jump down to the comments section to tell me how tired they are of us hating on Taylor Swift (even though they voluntarily clicked on the post). Taylor Swift is fine. I like the majority of her music. I was just trying to have a teensy bit of fun yesterday writing about what was then day-old “news,” and you’d think I’d murdered her cat the way people bitched about it. She’s a big girl (feelin’ 22, is actually 40) who can take it, but her blind, rabid fandom is approaching “if you don’t like Queen Bey you’re a dirty racist” levels, which is scary.
I should write a shitty Tswift post EVERY DAY. I'm just going to start copying and pasting her song lyrics into posts. Soon, this entire site will be all Tswift, all the time.
The San Francisco Giants
For the love of God just GO AWAY. Everyone is sick of you. I lost twenty five American dollars in a bet over that fucking game the other night. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard “I’m not a Giants fan, but what Bumgarner did last night was incredible,” I’d … have a bunch of dollars. Fuck Madison Bumgarner. Of course it was incredible. No one should be allowed to be that good at baseball. I know he’s probably not, but I like to imagine he’s a huge asshole. I bet he runs around the dugout jamming Jolly Ranchers in players’ buttholes and shouting “YOU JUST GOT BUMGARNERED, BITCH!” Man, that’d be great.
As a side note for those of you who like baseball, have you ever noticed that baseball players seem to LOATHE both their job and their cities more than anyone else? Derek Jeter mixing with the common folk of New York was worthy of a Gatorade commercial. Nationals 3rd baseman Anthony Rendon has gone on record saying that he never watches, thinks about or speaks of baseball when he’s not playing. Madison Bumgarner lives literally across the country from San Francisco in North Carolina, where he has like eight cows (not counting his wife). I want to be paid that much to do something that fun and then hate it that much. Must be nice.
Sex and the City
Look, even I’ll admit that this was a fun show, and it’s provided endless entertainment (and .gifs) for thousands of websites. But now, a full decade after the last episode aired, can we all admit that this show gave birth to (or at least provided a platform for) the worst kind of girl? I understand that the characters were all over-exaggerated stereotypes, but for some reason people saw Carrie Bradshaw and thought “OMG THAT’S SO MEEEE!” Why? Why would you want to be that person? Carrie Bradshaw was fucking awful. She brainwashed millions of women into thinking that getting fucked over by an asshole was not only ok, but somehow romantic. Not only that, but she sold every fucking girl who moves to NY to make $30k a year working in “publishing” on the whole “I’m in love with my city” bullshit. How far do you think that spread? Do you think there are girls now who say to themselves “who needs a man when you’ve got Des Moines, Iowa?”
I imagine the show looks pretty weird to teenagers who watch it now. “Omg, is she smoking inside? And SOBER? Why is her cell phone so big, and why is it always plugged in? Where can I get that chic black Macbook Pro?”
Do you think we might hate the same things? Hit me up at email@example.com