I cant tell you how many times Ive sat down and tried to put these words on paper. Trying to write about you reopened all the wounds I tried relentlessly to heal to escape.
I thought writing about it would allow me to cope with what was and then move on, but every time I opened my laptop and started to type, angerwould rise up and my eyes would fill with tears.
Id open a bottle of wine to help ease the pain and provoke words to flow, but Id end up angry and drunk in my bathtub with no poetic justice to show for another night wasted dwelling over the lack of your presence.
One morning I woke up and felt an indescribable sense of relief. After a year of torturing myself and refusing to remove you from my life, I woke up and felt nothing.
I grabbed my laptop and my notebook and began going through all my half-written drunken letters about you. Letters I kept stored in a folder titled broken paragraphs.
All that was broken built this
Were both in pursuit of chasing dreams larger than life; youre busy building this self-proclaimed empire and Im so full of wanderlust and an insatiable desire to explore, learn and create. Youre a star at what you do, and I would never argue that, but I failed to recognize how much your ego was dulling my own shine.
I let you sideline me because you had me convinced your dreams and your ambitions were more relevant than mine. You kept me at bay, saying just the right things at all the right times. Typically, these were the times where the pain of loving you felt so unbearable that Id tell you we should move on from one another.
I dont even know what to call this kind of heartbreak.I felt pathetic for so longbecause I let you break my heart, but that means I gave it to you in the first place. I trusted you with my heart and you wouldnt even give me the time of day when it wasnt completely convenient for you.
At first, I think you felt refreshed by the fact that I just wanted to come over, order sushiand turn on the football game by the fireplace. But eventually, I think it became a little intimidating for you, which is why coping with this now is easier for me.
You couldnt handle being with a woman who didnt need you, but wanted you. A woman who wasnt impressed by your $1,200 dinner dates and your fancy cars. A woman who craved genuine connection. I can now so clearly see why you couldnt handle it; you dont have a genuine connection to offer. Youve been parading around with this mask on, this faade everyone recognizes you as, and youve forgotten who you really are.
In a few weak, drunken moments of accidental full disclosure, you shared how lonely you truly are. At first, this was just another reason for me to hang on to you. I would tell myself you must care about me if you trusted me enough to share those weaknesses.
I eventually realized, these were nothing more than 35-year-old, grown-man temper tantrums. Im sure youll deny they ever happened, but Im grateful for experiencing those moments with you. They showed me this is not a flaw on my behalf, theseare flaws that lie deeply rooted within yourself and nothing I could have done would have changed that.
I bent over backwards for you. I went out of my way to do everything in my power to make your life easier happier. Any stresses you carried, I would have gladly carried for you, without question. And what did you do for me?
You lied about your feelings towards me. You knew how much I cared for you, but you chose to deceive me because you couldnt risk jeopardizing your roster. Id given you multiple opportunities to be upfront and honest with me about the nature of our relationship.
What pisses me off the most isnt the fact that you didnt want a relationship with me. No. What pisses me off the most is the fact that in the beginning, I didnt want a relationship with you and you constantly questioned my reasoning behind that. You pursued me until I was wrapped so tightly around your finger that you didnt have to try anymore. And just like that, I was benched.
I literally asked you to tell me that you didnt give a shit about me. I begged you to tell me that we were nothing, to tell me to let go and move on. Instead, you turnedinto the charming man who suddenly remembered what romancewas and told me I deserved so much more. You always knew how to keep me hanging on by a thread.
Its like you could feel when Id start moving on. Wed go a few weeks without talking which was torture for me and Id get a hey stranger, I miss you text.Each chapter would end exactly the same. Id wind up at your place, in your sheets and wake up feeling lonely and ashamed, driving home wondering why I couldnt tell youno.
I tried to distract myself by datingother people, but no one compared to you. I take that back; no one compared to the version of you I wanted to believe you were. Nonetheless, dates felt empty and pointless. I wasnt interested in other men, and I was still sad about missing you.
I think this is what Kurt Cobain was talking about when he wrote about sadness and pain. I became so used to feeling hurt, I didnt recognize myself when I wasnt sad. In fact, if I wasnt feeling sadness, Im not sure I was feeling anything at all. I have to wonder how many potentially great guys I missed out on while I was busy justifying all your fucked upactions.
All the times I tried to impress you and be who I thought you wanted me to be were a waste. All I did was set myself back from the person who would love the realme. I lost a part of her in this chaos, and although I feel like Im finally moving on from you, Im still searching frantically to find the pieces of myself that have been in hiding.
Ive thought of countless ways to say goodbyeto you. What I know now is that I didnt need to say goodbye to you; I needed to say goodbye to who I thought you were. I needed to tell myself I deserved better, and I needed to let you go without any words, because in all honesty, you arent owed a goodbye, nor do you deserve one.
Contrary to what you may think, I have a heart; probably a bigger heart than all the other women youve been with, because youve given me nothing, absolutely no reason to stay, but I stayed anyway. I loved you anyway. I invested so much time and energy into you, I saw something so worthwhile, and you gave me zero. After an entire year, we dont have one f*cking thing to show for us.
Hearing your name no longer leaves me in pieces. Bumping into you while were out with friends no longer ruins my night. Acting like complete strangers will not shatter my existence. The almosts and what ifs still make me cringe, but mostly because I feel pathetic for holding on to themfor so long.
I think the saddest part of this for me is the fact that I feel crazyfor having these emotions.If I owe an apology to anyone, its owed to myself. I apologize for giving myself to someone who did little to deserve me. I apologize for turning so many amazing men away, without even giving them anopportunity to show me they werent as cruel as you.
My mistake was not in giving you my heart (although I liked to think that it was for a while). My mistake was waiting for you to tell me that I needed to move on. My mistake was thinking you respected me enough to allow me to be with someone who would treat me the way I deserveto be treated.
Maybe its crazy in your eyes, but I did love you. Luckily for both of us, Ilovemyself more. I hope by the time this reaches you, youll still be vain enough to know its a story of us.
Your passion for business, money and success is admirable, and necessary to sustain life, but that will never be what keeps me interested. Poetry, beauty, romance and love are where my heart lies.They arent necessary to sustain life, but theyre what we stay alive for. You reminded me of this, and for that, Id not only like to say goodbye, Id also like to say thank you.
Subscribe to Elite Daily’s official newsletter, The Edge, for more stories you don’t want to miss.